The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.

I am a bitch

2011-03-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

I can't deny the fact that I am a bitch. I was never a bitch to you in the past because you always treated me so nice. I love you i really do, and i thought you were a real friend to me, however it has come to my attention that you kept it as real as Brian Pumper jeweler. If you read this realize i am not trying to hurt you, because i swear i still love you. I'm just expressing my inner thoughts, and feelings.

So let me explain why i say it was fake. You know me, you know i am a tough person, I have never in the time you have known me ever said i needed anyone. I told you straight out i need you, and you told me you were sleepy. At first i bottled that shit deep down and never brought it up, but that shit right there hurt me deep down. That shit made me cry. I know everybody think i am so tough but fuck i am just a girl. I have feelings too.

Nobody hears my alone in the night cries for help because everyone who say they love me has turned a deaf ear to me. I cried so much my insides are dry.

I told you secrets like we came out the pussy together and i would have taken a beating or a bullet for you. All i ever wanted was for you to listen to me and tell me you loved me.

You told me whatever ma, you brushed me off like some cake crumbs after the shit i just told you. How cold blooded is you? But I promise i don't wish you no harm i hope you get everything you want in life.

I hate the world i hate myself

2011-03-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

I been so depressed for a hot minute. It finally got unbearable and i tried to take myself out. The crazy thing is the shit didn't even fazed me, alive or dead at this point i don't think i really care. If i was to make a table and on one side put reasons to live and on the other put reasons to die i think i would break even.

I feel alone.... I feel misunderstood... mislabeled.. miserable... uncomfortable with my comfortableness with death... I'm tired of people depending on me I'm tired of people being undependable. I just want to go in quiet room of toddlers napping and scream as loud as i can! I want to tell all the 6 year old's that there is no such thing as Santa, Easter bunny or Tooth fairy. Let them know life is all about waiting for your friends to fall so you can kick them while they are down. I want to buy a van and perform abortions in the back with a metal coat hanger.

I'm tired of pretending that i believe in god. Deep down i know that shit is bull shit.

And I don't even like basketball

2011-02-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

So one of my friends introduced me to her soon to be basketball playing baby daddy. Maybe i should say she introduced me to her lotto ticket because that is how she see's it. Wait that is not right the baby would be the lotto ticket so i have no idea what this nigga would be. Any who she introduced me and during this past weekend we was out and about at some exclusive parties, and shit. That is a whole another story. Well anyway this dude her soon to be baby dad let it be known to me that he wanted to have sex with me. The thing about it the nigga was so casual with it. He play the game like tiger woods. He sent me a text that said "When are you going to let me take you shopping?" Me"Why would you take me shopping?" him"Because i am a nice guy and i like to do nice things" Me "Oh i didn't know you were that nice" him "Yeah i am very nice if you are willing to take care of me" What??? who says that. 'I could see if he was cute but this nigga look like something i stepped on and wiped on the rug. And i think the nigga come off the bench. He a role player. lol That don't even matter because i wouldn't fuck him if he was a starter. I'm just not a groupie i have never been that type of chick. Besides i don't even like basketball.

Incomplete thoughts

2010-12-27T10:04:00.000-08:00

"Some people confide in the person that they sleep with I learned their is no such thing as a secret." -JB

First Date Questions

1 Do you look at the toilet paper after you wipe your ass?
2 If i lost my hand and got a hook hand how would it be used in 4play?
3 Do you fuck ass whole naked?
4 Do you look people in the eye or the mouth when you talk to them?
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New Years resolutions are for failures at life. If you have to wait to the start of the year to make much needed changes in your life slit your throat and make the species stronger.
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I am a real Nazi when it comes to shaving my pubic hair. I don't like trimming it i just want it gone. I remember being a teenager and seeing one of my friends full on bush and it looked like it had been used to scrub some thanksgiving pots. You really shouldn't have debris in your pubic hair.
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I don't really regret much in my life. I don't spend too much time thinking about how things would have went if i had done things this or that way. However, i do spend an enormous amount of time reflecting. Some people i have encountered in my life have in their own mind loved me. It seems that i collect these sort of people like charm bracelets. To be completely honest in the past i have referred to these people as throwaways, and viewed them as unworthy of loving.

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In what other profession is your boss referred to as your owner? How is the draft not seen as a modern day slave auction? They got niggaz jumping, running, and showing how strong they iz. The only difference is they pay these slaves to feed and house themselves.

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Verbal contract

2010-12-27T05:18:00.000-08:00

Nobody respects the verbal contract like I do. I guess it is my OCD nature. I hate when someone tells me they will do something for me and then doesn't come through. I don't care about the laundry list of excuses of why you couldn't make it happen. All that matters is that YOU SAID you would and you didn't. You pumped my hopes up like a party city ballon and left a bad taste in my mouth like heart burn. I am an extremist when it comes to this, you can call me Phebiee Bin Laden. I really don't cope well with disappointment. It is probably one of my biggest faults. It is the reason I consciously force myself to not have any expectations. Once someone disappoints me it takes a Hercules like effort to make it up. Most people just say fuck it and move on and I don't blame them.

Sorry Mario

2010-12-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

I just read a blog about “The Click”. I found it very interesting. It was all about meeting someone and clicking with them. I think I'm very difficult to click with. I'm like a game of mario. You go through some shit to get me and when you think you got me a message say's sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle. If you are lucky enough to meet that princess you are going to see she is really a scared little girl, and she isn't so much kidnapped held in a tower as she is laying low allowing the goombas, ducks, bowser, and maze of pipes to keep her safe.

I'm not one of those bitches that pretend not to be vulnerable it is just I don't show the extinct of my vulnerability to strangers. I don't see being vulnerable the same as everyone else. Example I will cry in front of anybody. I don't see openly crying as a bad thing. I think it is the strongest thing you could ever do. When you cry in front of someone you let your shield down and you are saying I’m confidant enough to show vulnerability that could be interrupted as weakness.

That part of about it being interpreted as weakness is the reason I don't show the extinct of my vulnerability to everyone. Because it would be to FUCKING exhausting mentally doing that. Just think how people act when they take kindness for weakness. Now imagine that times ten when they take vulnerability for weakness. A bitch just don't have the patients.

Sleep deprived randomness nonsense

2010-12-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

Sleep!!! I cant sleep right now. My mind is all over the place. I no longer feel like I'm alive I feel like I'm spectating my life from a far. My mind is wandering the lonely cities of my consciousness.

Planet earth has been my home for 23 years. However I still feel like a visitor. I'm more at home on the beach that marks the edge of my subconscious. I watch as tsunami like waves of my deepest most private thoughts come crashing down on me. The beach becomes inundated and I drift off to sea. My feelings are a deadly current that I exhaust all my energy fighting. My fears feel like a anchor it is pulling me down. I find myself fully submerged and I see all the things that keep me up at night, they swim by me like a school of fish......

Questions:

If my love don't last forever does it make it any less valid? Allow me to explain. My love is like milk it has a shelf life, and after that date its a wrap. Some people make claims to love someone forever. Pheebz don't like to dream that far in the future. I mean even sugar turns to shit. Nothing last forever so why try. Why lie to yourself and think someone you met when you are in your 20's could be in love with in your 50's. Why we can't just enjoy it while it last. Why do relationships have to have these unreasonable expectation. Why can't it be more like dancing. We meet you grab my hand and lead me to the dance floor and we lock eyes and ignore everyone around us as our bodies intertwine, but when our song is over we exchange pleasantry and go our separate ways.

If love doesn't last forever loyalty doesn't have a recovering pedophile working at a daycare chance for longevity. Which in turn makes all relationships disposable. So why trust anyone. Why put forth the effort in getting to know someone, knowing one day they will back stab you, abandon you and the love you feel for them will fade?

I'm quick to call it quits in any relationship. I live my life by many self written mantra's. One being “If you wasn't there for me when I needed you than I don't need you to be there for me.”

Sorry for the randomness!

Welcome Back?

2010-12-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

"Black is back! get a sun tan bitch take that!" Favorite Diddy line ever!

UPDATES
Well i'm alive. If you didn't know i had surgery. I received a kidney from the best brother in world. : )
Well after my surgery i took a trip to the west coast, and i laid low in Cali and Vegas. Now i'm back in Texas going back to school in January finishing school in December. Maybe falling in love in may. lol

I deleted my twitter as you all should know by now. I might come back to it i don't know but if you ever want to contact me Phebi33_Woodson@yahoo.com : )

But any who i found out why I procrastinate so much. It is called "Presently bias"

Anyway we are all presently bias. We all put things off for a later date. Because our present self always think future self has everything under control. We believe that future us is smarter, faster, stronger, and all around better equipped to tackle the problems we encounter today that we don't want to handle. That's why people buy veggies and plan on going on diets and then end up never using the equipment and throwing the veggies away when they go bad. Present us and Future us isn't really that different at all. If you don't want to work out now in a weeks time you still aren't going to want to do it. 90% of us will struggle with this. Over achievers let logic dictate their lives. They don't believe a bird in a hand is worth 2 in a bush. Let me break it down. If offered 50 dollars today or offered 150 dollars 3 years from now the majority of us will take the 50. However the over achievers in life will take the 150 logic dictates to them that 150 is more than 50 plus they wasn't counting on this money anyway so they will have no problem waiting. For the rest of us we could be dead in 3 years we need that 50 now. This line of thinking goes back to cave men times when their was no such thing as the future. We had to kill now because we had to eat now. Everything was in the now. So some of us evolved and some of us didn't. That is why people who really live their lives by religious beliefs are happier and more successful, because the make better choices. Religion teaches not to live in the now. Don't do all these things that feel good and make you happy because Heaven awaits you in the FUTURE. The future is cool but you can't live in the future. It doesn't exist. It is just a place we put all our hopes, dreams, and ambitions in. However, we can't live in the now either. We can't put everything off on future us. We have to make choices based on logic and not present bias. So as hard as it might be turn down the instant gratification for long term happiness.

Unbalance balance

2010-01-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

I am mentally unbalanced but that makes me balanced. I never get to broken up over somebody. I never get stuck on people that I love to death. People have a hard time grasping the concept that just because one of my personality love you don't mean the other one do. Thus making me balanced. I'm never too down but also I'm never to excited or happy about someone. Sometimes the realization of that hurts people feelings when they care about me. I don't want to fucking hurt nobody. It's not my fault tho. I give everybody the same warning. I tell them all I'm crazy.

See thats the problem with America you see the beware of dog sign and when you get bit you want to sue somebody. Take responsibility for your actions. You ignored the warning signs.

That comes across so mean but its so true. What you want me to do be one of those people who push people away and don't let anyone get close? Nah How about you read the sign before you come in my back yard. LOL that sounded so nasty. “No butt sex!”

See the real problem is. My personality are so opposite its like a venus fly trap. You see innocent dweebie and you think I can mac her she so book smart I will blow her mind with this game. WRONG!!! That's when Nesha comes in when you got use to me buying that shit and she puts her feet on your sofa she all on your table with out a coaster. Now you are the one saying you are nothing like I thought you were.

I'm not running game its just one of my personality will buy it and one wont and when she see it she will call you on it, and shatter the dream you sold me.

Allegedly

2010-01-05T14:09:00.000-08:00

Because of legal reason mainly my probation I can't tell you what happen I can only say what has been alleged to have happened.

So my ex Lance alleged that when he picked up his space jam Jordan's from my house they weren't in the same condition he left them. He complained of a strong Pee like smell. He questioned me about what happened to his shoes. First accusing me of letting my dog piss on them and then asking if I had thrown them in the toilet.

I then asked Lance if he was crazy. Because only a crazy person would seek out another crazy person to date. Who would be considered more crazy, the person who “ALLEGEDLY” pissed in a red plastic party cup and poured said urine inside the sneakers, and let the pee soak in and then took a blow dryer to dry said pee to preserve a pissy smell. Or the person who was dating that person who left his property at her house and then called her up and pushed her buttons while on speaker phone so bitches could laugh?

Then Lance said something to the effect of you are going to pay for my shoes. It was at this time my Pitt bull allegedly began to growl and bark at Lance violently on my alleged command.

The return of the Symbiote

2009-12-31T20:06:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night I found myself reflecting on the days events while my sister Khloe painted my toe nails. When my ex boy friend called me. Not just any x, the one I still have strong feelings for. We had this crazy on again off again world wind destructive relationship.

Before you can understand the significance of this I have to catch you up to speed on the back story. Lance is the only person I have been nesha around 24/7. Its like he dated that personality exclusively. For some reason when I am around this dude I have wings i'm free as a bird. Its almost like a drug because I constantly want that feeling, and this is where the problem comes in. I have a extreme personality so when I do things it is to an extreme. I drink to the point of destruction. So I imagine if I ever got high I would get real high, like Lil wayne high where I just maintained a high for months at a time. So when I get this intoxicating feeling from lance I want that shit ever second of the day to the point I become super needy and clingy. This is something he always encourages at first. We spend every second together until he grows tired of it and I get use to it. Which pisses me off to no end. Don't get me use to a routine if you know you can't keep it up.

For some reason I think he gets off on it too. Because we have these fights where he is smirking during them or on the verge of laughter when i'm on the verge of tears. Sometimes I feel like I'm a toy like I'm a yo yo. He likes to get me jealous and shit and I go off and break shit. Then he reels me back in and we make up.

The first time I had a three sum was with him. He once got me to get in a car with him and take all my clothes off an got through the drive threw naked. Me who have major body issues I did and I felt a huge rush doing it. When this nigga is in my system aint no telling what I will do.

The last fight we had I went left eye on him and tried to burn his house down. Rewind<< it wasn't my fault. He pushed my buttons by telling me some girl told him that i'm lucky to be with him. So then volcano Phebiee erupted and he through me out of his house like I was trash. He pushed me out and I fell down the walkway. Yes a bitch is clumsy. So I snapped I went to my trunk looking for my tire jack to break his window's and found a bottle of Everclear. I seen one to many movies I guess cuz I threw that shit at his front door and it broke then I lite one of my head scarfs on fire and dropped it in the Everclear. When I saw the fire I snapped back into reality jumped in my car and drove off in a teary eyed panic. Lucky he is a volunteer fire fighter so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

After that he never called me and I never called him and I thought it would be that way forever. But nah he called me telling me he miss me and he love me and wants me back. As soon as he said it a part of me was like yes say yes. But a smarter part was like can I think about it. I don't know if I want to be with him because I miss being with him or because i'm so freaking lonely. I don't think I have the balls to say no, but i'm afraid to say yes. I don't want to go to jail behind this boy.

Two of my sister's knew I was on the phone with him before I even told them. They said nobody ever makes me smile like he does.

Now the question the only question I should be asking myself is are the ups so high I don't mind falling down or are the down's so low I don't have the strength to get up again?

Another schizophrenic blog brought to you by Phebco killing boredom one minute at a time.

I will never do it again!

2009-12-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

In my last blog I omitted some of the story.

Insert this into the story, when we were in the kitchen fighting. When Rodney had started choking me. He had attempted to rape me. Thats the only reason Germ jumped in to help me. She was content on letting him kill me just as long as her man didn't fuck me.

Every time i think about how much of a friend my best friend was I'm glad i don't have many friends.

My shyness has always mad it hard for me to make friends and my temper and bluntness has made it hard to keep them. I always wonder what it would be like to be one of those sex in the city chicks. To have a 3sum or strong 4sum of friends to the end.

Fuck that i would like to have 1 best friend who actually cared about me as much as i cared about her.

Maybe even someone who could pretend to care for me for atleast 6 months, don't judge me ignorance is bliss.

I rather have a real good fake friend than a real bad real friend.

This whole blog has been about indulging in self pity, and its half incoherent forgive me i'm crying while i type this.

FML big time...

The invasion of Germany

2009-12-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

Since I was in the 4^th grade my best friend in the world has always been Germany or Germ what I affectionately call her. Germ was the first person to discover I liked girls. I mean she has known way back when even before I told her. I remember when we were teens she would always cover up when changing her clothes. I guess its my fault because when we use to have our sleep over I would cuddle up next to her and rub her body. Basically molesting her in her sleep lol.(Not really, but kinda)We would always wake up in the same position me spooning her. But I digress. Over the years me a Germ always remained tighter than fag jeans, but she changed when she started dating this guy name Rodney. She stop hanging at my house we stopped sleeping together truth be told we would only talk on the phone and that was when Rodney was at work. When she moved in with him we went a whole year without seeing each other face to face.

One day I get a call from her and she asked me do I want to come and spend the weekend. I said sure. So when I get their off the bat I want to leave. This nigga Rodney is calling her motherfucker so much if you never met her you would have thought it was her name. “Motherfucker come here and change the channel!” “Motherfucker bring me some water” “Motherfucker, Motherfucker, Motherfucker!!!”

Friday and Saturday roll by we are having fun but it is not like it use to be. Sunday rolls around Germ is up making breakfast i'm laying on the sofa half sleep. I hear her call Rodney to the table. The next thing I hear is “Motherfucker you know I don't eat sausage link's I only eat patties. ” Next thing I know I hear a slap and a thud.

Without thinking I jumped up and ran in the kitchen. I was so mad I just hit this nigga without thinking. Next thing I know we boxing. I'm a slim girl so I don't have much power. So I guess that is why he was content with standing their throwing punches with me, but what he didn't realize is I'm lightning fast and I have long arms. I was jabbing his eye out when he decided to grab me. Wrestling with my brother's prepared me for what was about to happen next. I felt him about to slam me. So I position myself to block it. Germ came over to try and help me and he shoved her down I tried to grab a knife and he started choking me. I started thinking he was going to kill me. My adrenaline started kicking in and I went for broke and started hitting him as hard as I could in the throat. When he released me I broke for the knife an went in the room and called my twin brother. After all that this bitch is still with him.

I haven't seen her since....

Introspective

2009-12-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

I must warn you before you read any further that this blog will be dedicated to submerging the reader into my psyche. If thats sounds frighting or boring by all means please stop reading.

I was inches away from naming this blog Dweebie vs Pheba-nesha. If you are reading this and you don't know me personally you might ask your self who the fuck is Dweebie and Pheba-nesha. Hold your horses and I will tell you. At first it was thought I was bi polar, but I googled it and realized I'm not bi polar.

What I am is a person with two distinct personalities. Sometimes I'm really shy, insecure, nerdy, quiet, and reserved. Other times I'm loud, outgoing, cocky, ghetto. It has no rhyme or reason that I can tell of why I'm one way or the other.

When I was younger I was so nerdy and shy I got the nick name Dweebie. Dweeb + Phebiee = Dweebie.

My mother is really religious and conservative. I guess Dweebie is the young lady that my mother raised. Sometimes I feel its who I truly am and the other personality is an act, but other times i'm convinced Dweebie is just a mask I put on for my mother. I pretend to be this good little girl so she wont turn her back on me. You might not understand what I mean by that so let me just give u some background info. When I was about 13 my 15 year old brother marcus decided he didn't want to go to church one sunday. It turned into a big fight between him and my mother. She kicked him out the house. None of my family would take him in. They all were on that bull shit “If you can't follow your momma's rules what makes you think you can follow ours.” So my brother who was 15 who was graduating high school I might ad started dealing drugs. I remember every day when my momma would be at work I would let him in the house and would just hold him and cry. I loved my brother so much but ultimately I was to afraid of my mother to leave the house and be with my brother. One week my brother didn't come by. Then one night while at the dinner table my mother said in a matter fact type of way that he was dead. I don't remember her exact wording but it was something on the lines of marcus is with god can you pass the pea's? I never got to view the body none of my siblings did. I blame myself deep down. Maybe if I wasn't such a coward my brother would be here..

Pheba-nesha was born in the ghetto of new orleans. I guess this is who I had to be to protect myself from being constantly picked on and hurt. When I'm on my Pheba-nesha shit I feel so care free its intoxicating. As of now I am ban from at least 2 fast food restaurants, 1 clubs and a walmart.

When I'm Dweebie I feel trap sometimes I feel caged in. I get overwhelmed easy and have panic attacks.

Pheba-nesha is so out of control, so destructive and easily provoked. Don't get me wrong she is not all bad. She is for the most part the life of the party. She believes everybody is disposable, while Dweebie clings to friendships like a life raft. I suspect Pheba-nesha is the part of me that likes girls.

I could go on and on about the differences between them but I wont. I know this was a chaotic blog, but fuck it I'm working threw somethings.

My seceret ability

2009-12-15T18:26:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a little girl I knew that I possessed an ability. Mind control, healing factor, flying not so much. More like not at all. My power didn't manifest until my 16th birthday. That was the day I found out I had a really annoying ability. My ability was to be able to suck the deepest darkest secret from the total strangers. Well maybe suck is bad word because it is done without physical contact.

There isn't a more annoying place for my power to manifest than work. I work with a lot of people I don't want to get to know, but for some reason they tell me things about themselves I would rather not know.

For example at lunch one time someone sat next to me and before I could finish my burger and fries she was telling me how she was molested as a child. Another time a girl told me how she was rapped by the father of her child and she didn't believe in abortion thus making her a single mother.

Well two nights ago on lunch. A girl name Christine who I kinda know told me something and I will tell it just like it was told to me.

“My brother lost his job about 5 months ago, and I let him move in with me. It was really great to have him around because I tend to get lonely living in the house by myself. When we were little me and him were really close when it use to storm I would get in the bed and sleep with him. When we became teens we grew apart, but since he moved in we have gotten really close. We watch movies together on Friday nights and make taco's on Saturday's. Well the other day I needed to map quest the Vet's that a friend had referred me to. Well my computer has been acting up so I went in his room and hopped on his. Well you know as I was doing what I had to do I seen he was downloading something. When I took a closer look I realized it was porn. So I went to the folder where it was being download into I discovered like 6 or 7 other porn video's and they are all brother and sister stuff. It kind of freaked me out because now I'm wondering if he is fantasizing about me. Because a couple of times I have misplaced some of my panties, but they always seem to reappear so I never thought anything of it. But now Im wondering..... It would break my mothers heart if I told her or asked him to leave.”

It was at this point I was cursing my ability and franticly pressing the end button on my cell phone in my purse trying to shut her off. Then she asked me the question I knew was coming.

“What do you think I should do?”

I said and I quote “I think you should respect other peoples privacy and not snoop unless you are prepared to find out your brother wants to fuck you.” I slowly got up and returned to work, and couldn't stop thinking about my brother but NOT in that way.

When I got home I counted every single pair of panties I owned. This is some shit that would have never crossed into my thoughts because black people don't do shit like this!!!!

The Show Case Showdown

2009-12-10T03:00:00.000-08:00

Before you read any further ask yourself this. Who are you really? If you were to get on the Price is Right, and make it to the show case showdown; Are you going to pick the first prize or the second. The first prize you get to see what it is. It might not be what you want but you know what it is, or do your forgo it for the mysterious second prize?

I recently confessed my undying love to a close friend, only to have her tell me she only see me as a friend. Rewind<< Thats not exactly what happened. When I told her how i felt she seemed taken a back by the notion. Then the idea excited her. She toyed with it for the next 4 hours. Talking about her expectations and where she felt it could go, but ultimately she said she had to sleep on it.

The next day when we spoke she gave me a straight strong arm no! Followed by i don't see you like that. I couldn't understand how her whole style changed. She said we had been friends since the 4th grade and she didn't see me like that. So when i inquired how she saw me, she replied as her best female friend. Someone she could talk to about her problems.

So then i posed the question, “What would be easier to turn a best friend into a mate or turning a mate into a best friend?”

I told her I'm the fucking Jet ski in the first show case showdown, you are going to pass on me for a mystery prize? I stressed to her she knew me she knew my strengths and short comings. Why pass on me for something you not even sure is out there?

I have always leaned more towards girls, because hey we rock, but after this situation I think I'm going to be on the dick train. (Pun intended)

Who turns down a for sure diamond for a lump of coal?

This whole situation has killed my already fragile self-esteem and now I'm starting to doubt myself.

FUCK MY LIFE!!!