I am a bitch

  

I can't deny the fact that I am a bitch. I was never a bitch to you in the past because you always treated me so nice. I love you i really do, and i thought you were a real friend to me, however it has come to my attention that you kept it as real as Brian Pumper jeweler. If you read this realize i am not trying to hurt you, because i swear i still love you. I'm just expressing my inner thoughts, and feelings. 

So let me explain why i say it was fake. You know me, you know i am a tough person, I have never in the time you have known me ever said i needed anyone. I told you straight out i need you, and you told me you were sleepy. At first i bottled that shit deep down and never brought it up, but that shit right there hurt me deep down. That shit made me cry. I know everybody think i am so tough but fuck i am just a girl. I have feelings too. 

Nobody hears my alone in the night cries for help because everyone who say they love me has turned a deaf ear to me. I cried so much my insides are dry.

I told you secrets like we came out the pussy together and i would have taken a beating or a bullet for you. All i ever wanted was for you to listen to me and tell me you loved me. 

You told me whatever ma, you brushed me off like some cake crumbs after the shit i just told you. How cold blooded is you? But I promise i don't wish you no harm i hope you get everything you want in life.

I hate the world i hate myself

I been so depressed for a hot minute.  It finally got unbearable and i tried to take myself out. The crazy thing is the shit didn't even fazed me, alive or dead at this point i don't think i really care.  If i was to make a table and on one side put reasons to live and on the other put reasons to die i think i would break even.

I feel alone.... I feel misunderstood... mislabeled.. miserable...   uncomfortable with my comfortableness with death... I'm tired of people depending on me I'm tired of people being undependable. I just want to go in quiet room of toddlers napping and scream as loud as i can! I want to tell all the 6 year old's that there is no such thing as Santa, Easter bunny or Tooth fairy. Let them know life is all about waiting for your friends to fall so you can kick them while they are down.  I want to buy a van and perform abortions in the back with a metal coat hanger.

I'm tired of pretending that i believe in god. Deep down i know that shit is bull shit.

And I don't even like basketball

So one of my friends introduced me to her soon to be basketball playing baby daddy.  Maybe i should say she introduced me to her lotto ticket because that is how she see's it. Wait that is not right the baby would be the lotto ticket so i have no idea what this nigga would be. Any who she introduced me and during this past weekend we was out and about at some exclusive parties, and shit. That is a whole another story.  Well anyway this dude her soon to be baby dad let it be known to me that he wanted to have sex with me. The thing about it the nigga was so casual with it. He play the game like tiger woods. He sent me a text that said "When are you going to let me take you shopping?" Me"Why would you take me shopping?" him"Because i am a nice guy and i like to do nice things" Me "Oh i didn't know you were that nice" him "Yeah i am very nice if you are willing to take care of me"  What??? who says that.  'I could see if he was cute but this nigga look like something i stepped on and wiped on the rug. And i think the nigga come off the bench. He a role player. lol That don't even matter because i wouldn't fuck him if he was a starter. I'm just not a groupie i have never been that type of chick. Besides i don't even like basketball.

Incomplete thoughts

"Some people confide in the person that they sleep with I learned their is no such thing as a secret." -JB


First Date Questions

1 Do you look at the toilet paper after you wipe your ass?
2 If i lost my hand and got a hook hand how would it be used in 4play?
3 Do you fuck ass whole naked?
4 Do you look people in the eye or the mouth when you talk to them?
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New Years resolutions are for failures at life. If you have to wait to the start of the year to make much needed changes in your life slit your throat and make the species stronger.
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 I am a real Nazi when it comes to shaving my pubic hair. I don't like trimming it i just want it gone.  I remember being a teenager and seeing one of my friends full on bush and it looked like it had been used to scrub some thanksgiving pots. You really shouldn't have debris in your pubic hair.
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I don't really regret much in my life. I don't spend too much time thinking about how things would have went if i had done things this or that way.  However, i do spend an enormous amount of time reflecting.  Some people i have encountered in my life have in their own mind loved me. It seems that i collect these sort of people like charm bracelets.  To be completely honest in the past i have referred to these people as throwaways, and viewed them as unworthy of loving.

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In what other profession is your boss referred to as your owner? How is the draft not seen as a modern day slave auction? They got niggaz jumping, running, and showing how strong they iz.  The only difference is they pay these slaves to feed and house themselves. 

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Verbal contract

Nobody respects the verbal contract like I do. I guess it is my OCD nature. I hate when someone tells me they will do something for me and then doesn't come through. I don't care about the laundry list of excuses of why you couldn't make it happen. All that matters is that YOU SAID you would and you didn't. You pumped my hopes up like a party city ballon and left a bad taste in my mouth like heart burn. I am an extremist when it comes to this, you can call me Phebiee Bin Laden. I really don't cope well with disappointment. It is probably one of my biggest faults. It is the reason I consciously force myself to not have any expectations. Once someone disappoints me it takes a Hercules like effort to make it up. Most people just say fuck it and move on and I don't blame them.

Sorry Mario

I just read a blog about “The Click”. I found it very interesting. It was all about meeting someone and clicking with them. I think I'm very difficult to click with. I'm like a game of mario. You go through some shit to get me and when you think you got me a message say's sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle. If you are lucky enough to meet that princess you are going to see she is really a scared little girl, and she isn't so much kidnapped held in a tower as she is laying low allowing the goombas, ducks, bowser, and maze of pipes to keep her safe.

I'm not one of those bitches that pretend not to be vulnerable it is just I don't show the extinct of my vulnerability to strangers. I don't see being vulnerable the same as everyone else. Example I will cry in front of anybody. I don't see openly crying as a bad thing. I think it is the strongest thing you could ever do. When you cry in front of someone you let your shield down and you are saying I’m confidant enough to show vulnerability that could be interrupted as weakness.

That part of about it being interpreted  as weakness is the reason I don't show the extinct of my vulnerability to everyone. Because it would be to FUCKING exhausting mentally doing that. Just think how people act when they take kindness for weakness. Now imagine that times ten when they take vulnerability for weakness. A bitch just don't have the patients.

Sleep deprived randomness nonsense

Sleep!!! I cant sleep right now. My mind is all over the place. I no longer feel like I'm alive I feel like I'm spectating my life from a far. My mind is wandering the lonely cities of my consciousness.

Planet earth has been my home for 23 years. However I still feel like a visitor. I'm more at home on the beach that marks the edge of my subconscious. I watch as tsunami like waves of my deepest most private thoughts come crashing down on me. The beach becomes inundated and I drift off to sea. My feelings are a deadly current that I exhaust all my energy fighting. My fears feel like a anchor it is pulling me down. I find myself fully submerged and I see all the things that keep me up at night, they swim by me like a school of fish......

Questions:

If my love don't last forever does it make it any less valid? Allow me to explain. My love is like milk it has a shelf life, and after that date its a wrap. Some people make claims to love someone forever. Pheebz don't like to dream that far in the future. I mean even sugar turns to shit. Nothing last forever so why try. Why lie to yourself and think someone you met when you are in your 20's could be in love with in your 50's. Why we can't just enjoy it while it last. Why do relationships have to have these unreasonable expectation. Why can't it be more like dancing. We meet you grab my hand and lead me to the dance floor and we lock eyes and ignore everyone around us as our bodies intertwine, but when our song is over we exchange pleasantry and go our separate ways.

If love doesn't last forever loyalty doesn't have a recovering pedophile working at a daycare chance for longevity. Which in turn makes all relationships disposable. So why trust anyone. Why put forth the effort in getting to know someone, knowing one day they will back stab you, abandon you and the love you feel for them will fade?

I'm quick to call it quits in any relationship. I live my life by many self written mantra's. One being “If you wasn't there for me when I needed you than I don't need you to be there for me.”

Sorry for the randomness!