The return of the Symbiote

Wednesday night I found myself reflecting on the days events while my sister Khloe painted my toe nails. When my ex boy friend called me. Not just any x, the one I still have strong feelings for. We had this crazy on again off again world wind destructive relationship.

Before you can understand the significance of this I have to catch you up to speed on the back story. Lance is the only person I have been nesha around 24/7. Its like he dated that personality exclusively. For some reason when I am around this dude I have wings i'm free as a bird. Its almost like a drug because I constantly want that feeling, and this is where the problem comes in. I have a extreme personality so when I do things it is to an extreme. I drink to the point of destruction. So I imagine if I ever got high I would get real high, like Lil wayne high where I just maintained a high for months at a time. So when I get this intoxicating feeling from lance I want that shit ever second of the day to the point I become super needy and clingy. This is something he always encourages at first. We spend every second together until he grows tired of it and I get use to it. Which pisses me off to no end. Don't get me use to a routine if you know you can't keep it up.

For some reason I think he gets off on it too. Because we have these fights where he is smirking during them or on the verge of laughter when i'm on the verge of tears. Sometimes I feel like I'm a toy like I'm a yo yo. He likes to get me jealous and shit and I go off and break shit. Then he reels me back in and we make up.

The first time I had a three sum was with him. He once got me to get in a car with him and take all my clothes off an got through the drive threw naked. Me who have major body issues I did and I felt a huge rush doing it. When this nigga is in my system aint no telling what I will do.

The last fight we had I went left eye on him and tried to burn his house down. Rewind<< it wasn't my fault. He pushed my buttons by telling me some girl told him that i'm lucky to be with him. So then volcano Phebiee erupted and he through me out of his house like I was trash. He pushed me out and I fell down the walkway. Yes a bitch is clumsy. So I snapped I went to my trunk looking for my tire jack to break his window's and found a bottle of Everclear. I seen one to many movies I guess cuz I threw that shit at his front door and it broke then I lite one of my head scarfs on fire and dropped it in the Everclear. When I saw the fire I snapped back into reality jumped in my car and drove off in a teary eyed panic. Lucky he is a volunteer fire fighter so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

After that he never called me and I never called him and I thought it would be that way forever. But nah he called me telling me he miss me and he love me and wants me back. As soon as he said it a part of me was like yes say yes. But a smarter part was like can I think about it. I don't know if I want to be with him because I miss being with him or because i'm so freaking lonely. I don't think I have the balls to say no, but i'm afraid to say yes. I don't want to go to jail behind this boy.

Two of my sister's knew I was on the phone with him before I even told them. They said nobody ever makes me smile like he does.

Now the question the only question I should be asking myself is are the ups so high I don't mind falling down or are the down's so low I don't have the strength to get up again?

Another schizophrenic blog brought to you by Phebco killing boredom one minute at a time.  

I will never do it again!

In my last blog I omitted some of the story.

Insert this into the story, when we were in the kitchen fighting. When Rodney had started choking me. He had attempted to rape me. Thats the only reason Germ jumped in to help me. She was content on letting him kill me just as long as her man didn't fuck me.

Every time i think about how much of a friend my best friend was I'm glad i don't have many friends.

My shyness has always mad it hard for me to make friends and my temper and bluntness has made it hard to keep them.  I always wonder what it would be like to be one of those sex in the city chicks.  To have a 3sum or strong 4sum of friends to the end.

Fuck that i would like to have 1 best friend who actually cared about me as much as i cared about her.

Maybe even someone who could pretend to care for me for atleast 6 months, don't judge me ignorance is bliss.

I rather have a real good fake friend than a real bad real friend.

This whole blog has been about indulging in self pity, and its half incoherent forgive me i'm crying while i type this.

FML big time...

The invasion of Germany

Since I was in the 4^th grade my best friend in the world has always been Germany or Germ what I affectionately call her. Germ was the first person to discover I liked girls. I mean she has known way back when even before I told her. I remember when we were teens she would always cover up when changing her clothes. I guess its my fault because when we use to have our sleep over I would cuddle up next to her and rub her body. Basically molesting her in her sleep lol.(Not really, but kinda)We would always wake up in the same position me spooning her. But I digress. Over the years me a Germ always remained tighter than fag jeans, but she changed when she started dating this guy name Rodney. She stop hanging at my house we stopped sleeping together truth be told we would only talk on the phone and that was when Rodney was at work. When she moved in with him we went a whole year without seeing each other face to face.

One day I get a call from her and she asked me do I want to come and spend the weekend. I said sure. So when I get their off the bat I want to leave. This nigga Rodney is calling her motherfucker so much if you never met her you would have thought it was her name. “Motherfucker come here and change the channel!” “Motherfucker bring me some water” “Motherfucker, Motherfucker, Motherfucker!!!”

Friday and Saturday roll by we are having fun but it is not like it use to be. Sunday rolls around Germ is up making breakfast i'm laying on the sofa half sleep. I hear her call Rodney to the table. The next thing I hear is “Motherfucker you know I don't eat sausage link's I only eat patties. ” Next thing I know I hear a slap and a thud.

Without thinking I jumped up and ran in the kitchen. I was so mad I just hit this nigga without thinking. Next thing I know we boxing. I'm a slim girl so I don't have much power. So I guess that is why he was content with standing their throwing punches with me, but what he didn't realize is I'm lightning fast and I have long arms. I was jabbing his eye out when he decided to grab me. Wrestling with my brother's prepared me for what was about to happen next. I felt him about to slam me. So I position myself to block it. Germ came over to try and help me and he shoved her down I tried to grab a knife and he started choking me. I started thinking he was going to kill me. My adrenaline started kicking in and I went for broke and started hitting him as hard as I could in the throat. When he released me I broke for the knife an went in the room and called my twin brother. After all that this bitch is still with him.

I haven't seen her since....

Introspective

I must warn you before you read any further that this blog will be dedicated to submerging the reader into my psyche. If thats sounds frighting or boring by all means please stop reading.

I was inches away from naming this blog Dweebie vs Pheba-nesha. If you are reading this and you don't know me personally you might ask your self who the fuck is Dweebie and Pheba-nesha. Hold your horses and I will tell you. At first it was thought I was bi polar, but I googled it and realized I'm not bi polar.

What I am is a person with two distinct personalities. Sometimes I'm really shy, insecure, nerdy, quiet, and reserved. Other times I'm loud, outgoing, cocky, ghetto. It has no rhyme or reason that I can tell of why I'm one way or the other.

When I was younger I was so nerdy and shy I got the nick name Dweebie. Dweeb + Phebiee = Dweebie.

My mother is really religious and conservative. I guess Dweebie is the young lady that my mother raised. Sometimes I feel its who I truly am and the other personality is an act, but other times i'm convinced Dweebie is just a mask I put on for my mother. I pretend to be this good little girl so she wont turn her back on me. You might not understand what I mean by that so let me just give u some background info. When I was about 13 my 15 year old brother marcus decided he didn't want to go to church one sunday. It turned into a big fight between him and my mother. She kicked him out the house. None of my family would take him in. They all were on that bull shit “If you can't follow your momma's rules what makes you think you can follow ours.” So my brother who was 15 who was graduating high school I might ad started dealing drugs. I remember every day when my momma would be at work I would let him in the house and would just hold him and cry. I loved my brother so much but ultimately I was to afraid of my mother to leave the house and be with my brother. One week my brother didn't come by. Then one night while at the dinner table my mother said in a matter fact type of way that he was dead. I don't remember her exact wording but it was something on the lines of marcus is with god can you pass the pea's? I never got to view the body none of my siblings did. I blame myself deep down. Maybe if I wasn't such a coward my brother would be here..

Pheba-nesha was born in the ghetto of new orleans. I guess this is who I had to be to protect myself from being constantly picked on and hurt. When I'm on my Pheba-nesha shit I feel so care free its intoxicating. As of now I am ban from at least 2 fast food restaurants, 1 clubs and a walmart.

When I'm Dweebie I feel trap sometimes I feel caged in. I get overwhelmed easy and have panic attacks.

Pheba-nesha is so out of control, so destructive and easily provoked. Don't get me wrong she is not all bad. She is for the most part the life of the party. She believes everybody is disposable, while Dweebie clings to friendships like a life raft. I suspect Pheba-nesha is the part of me that likes girls.

I could go on and on about the differences between them but I wont. I know this was a chaotic blog, but fuck it I'm working threw somethings.

My seceret ability

Ever since I was a little girl I knew that I possessed an ability.  Mind control, healing factor, flying not so much. More like not at all. My power didn't manifest until my 16th birthday. That was the day I found out I had a really annoying ability. My ability was to be able to suck the deepest darkest secret from the total strangers. Well maybe suck is bad word because it is done without physical contact.


There isn't a more annoying place for my power to manifest than work. I work with a lot of people I don't want to get to know, but for some reason they tell me things about themselves I would rather not know.


For example at lunch one time someone sat next to me and before I could finish my burger and fries she was telling me how she was molested as a child. Another time a girl told me how she was rapped by the father of her child and she didn't believe in abortion thus making her a single mother. 


Well two nights ago on lunch. A girl name Christine who I kinda know told me something and I will tell it just like it was told to me.


“My brother lost his job about 5 months ago, and I let him move in with me. It was really great to have him around because I tend to get lonely living in the house by myself.  When we were little me and him were really close when it use to storm I would get in the bed and sleep with him. When we became teens we grew apart, but since he moved in we have gotten really close.  We watch movies together on Friday nights and make taco's on Saturday's. Well the other day I needed to map quest the Vet's that a friend had referred me to. Well my computer has been acting up so I went in his room and hopped on his.  Well you know as I was doing what I had to do I seen he was downloading something. When I took a closer look I realized it was porn. So I went to the folder where it was being download into I discovered like 6 or 7 other porn video's and they are all brother and sister stuff.  It kind of freaked me out because now I'm wondering if he is fantasizing about me.  Because a couple of times I have misplaced some of my panties, but they always seem to reappear so I never thought anything of it. But now Im wondering..... It would break my mothers heart if I told her or asked him to leave.”


It was at this point I was cursing my ability and franticly pressing the end button on my cell phone in my purse trying to shut her off.  Then she asked me the question I knew was coming.


“What do you think I should do?”


I said and I quote “I think you should respect other peoples privacy and not snoop unless you are prepared to find out your brother wants to fuck you.” I slowly got up and returned to work, and couldn't stop thinking about my brother but NOT in that way.


When I got home I counted every single pair of panties I owned.  This is some shit that would have never crossed into my thoughts because black people don't do shit like this!!!!

The Show Case Showdown

Before you read any further ask yourself this. Who are you really? If you were to get on the Price is Right, and make it to the show case showdown;  Are you going to pick the first prize or the second. The first prize you get to see what it is. It might not be what you want but you know what it is, or do your forgo it for the mysterious second prize?

I recently confessed my undying love to a close friend, only to have her tell me she only see me as a friend.  Rewind<< Thats not exactly what happened. When I told her how i felt she seemed taken a back by the notion. Then the idea excited her. She toyed with it for the next 4 hours. Talking about her expectations and where she felt it could go, but ultimately  she said she had to sleep on it.

The next day when we spoke she gave me a straight strong arm no! Followed by i don't see you like that. I couldn't understand how her whole style changed. She said we had been friends since the 4th grade and she didn't see me like that. So when i inquired how she saw me, she replied as her best female friend. Someone she could talk to about her problems. 

So then i posed the question, “What would be easier to turn a best friend into a mate or turning a mate into a best friend?”

I told her I'm the fucking Jet ski in the first show case showdown, you are going to pass on me for a mystery prize? I stressed to her she knew me she knew my strengths and short comings. Why pass on me for something you not even sure is out there?  

I have always leaned more towards girls, because hey we rock, but after this situation I think I'm going to be on the dick train. (Pun intended) 

Who turns down a for sure diamond for a lump of coal?

This whole situation has killed my already fragile self-esteem and now I'm starting to doubt myself.  


FUCK MY LIFE!!!