I must warn you before you read any further that this blog will be dedicated to submerging the reader into my psyche. If thats sounds frighting or boring by all means please stop reading.
I was inches away from naming this blog Dweebie vs Pheba-nesha. If you are reading this and you don't know me personally you might ask your self who the fuck is Dweebie and Pheba-nesha. Hold your horses and I will tell you. At first it was thought I was bi polar, but I googled it and realized I'm not bi polar.
What I am is a person with two distinct personalities. Sometimes I'm really shy, insecure, nerdy, quiet, and reserved. Other times I'm loud, outgoing, cocky, ghetto. It has no rhyme or reason that I can tell of why I'm one way or the other.
When I was younger I was so nerdy and shy I got the nick name Dweebie. Dweeb + Phebiee = Dweebie.
My mother is really religious and conservative. I guess Dweebie is the young lady that my mother raised. Sometimes I feel its who I truly am and the other personality is an act, but other times i'm convinced Dweebie is just a mask I put on for my mother. I pretend to be this good little girl so she wont turn her back on me. You might not understand what I mean by that so let me just give u some background info. When I was about 13 my 15 year old brother marcus decided he didn't want to go to church one sunday. It turned into a big fight between him and my mother. She kicked him out the house. None of my family would take him in. They all were on that bull shit “If you can't follow your momma's rules what makes you think you can follow ours.” So my brother who was 15 who was graduating high school I might ad started dealing drugs. I remember every day when my momma would be at work I would let him in the house and would just hold him and cry. I loved my brother so much but ultimately I was to afraid of my mother to leave the house and be with my brother. One week my brother didn't come by. Then one night while at the dinner table my mother said in a matter fact type of way that he was dead. I don't remember her exact wording but it was something on the lines of marcus is with god can you pass the pea's? I never got to view the body none of my siblings did. I blame myself deep down. Maybe if I wasn't such a coward my brother would be here..
Pheba-nesha was born in the ghetto of new orleans. I guess this is who I had to be to protect myself from being constantly picked on and hurt. When I'm on my Pheba-nesha shit I feel so care free its intoxicating. As of now I am ban from at least 2 fast food restaurants, 1 clubs and a walmart.
When I'm Dweebie I feel trap sometimes I feel caged in. I get overwhelmed easy and have panic attacks.
Pheba-nesha is so out of control, so destructive and easily provoked. Don't get me wrong she is not all bad. She is for the most part the life of the party. She believes everybody is disposable, while Dweebie clings to friendships like a life raft. I suspect Pheba-nesha is the part of me that likes girls.
I could go on and on about the differences between them but I wont. I know this was a chaotic blog, but fuck it I'm working threw somethings.
I'm sorry about your brother but you have to understand it's not your fault. Sorry but what your mother did was wrong and the rest of your family should feel responsible as well.
ReplyDeleteThis is quite interesting though. This sounds more like dissociative identity disorder more than bipolar.
You seem like an interesting person though, I'm looking forward to reading more about you.