The return of the Symbiote

Wednesday night I found myself reflecting on the days events while my sister Khloe painted my toe nails. When my ex boy friend called me. Not just any x, the one I still have strong feelings for. We had this crazy on again off again world wind destructive relationship.

Before you can understand the significance of this I have to catch you up to speed on the back story. Lance is the only person I have been nesha around 24/7. Its like he dated that personality exclusively. For some reason when I am around this dude I have wings i'm free as a bird. Its almost like a drug because I constantly want that feeling, and this is where the problem comes in. I have a extreme personality so when I do things it is to an extreme. I drink to the point of destruction. So I imagine if I ever got high I would get real high, like Lil wayne high where I just maintained a high for months at a time. So when I get this intoxicating feeling from lance I want that shit ever second of the day to the point I become super needy and clingy. This is something he always encourages at first. We spend every second together until he grows tired of it and I get use to it. Which pisses me off to no end. Don't get me use to a routine if you know you can't keep it up.

For some reason I think he gets off on it too. Because we have these fights where he is smirking during them or on the verge of laughter when i'm on the verge of tears. Sometimes I feel like I'm a toy like I'm a yo yo. He likes to get me jealous and shit and I go off and break shit. Then he reels me back in and we make up.

The first time I had a three sum was with him. He once got me to get in a car with him and take all my clothes off an got through the drive threw naked. Me who have major body issues I did and I felt a huge rush doing it. When this nigga is in my system aint no telling what I will do.

The last fight we had I went left eye on him and tried to burn his house down. Rewind<< it wasn't my fault. He pushed my buttons by telling me some girl told him that i'm lucky to be with him. So then volcano Phebiee erupted and he through me out of his house like I was trash. He pushed me out and I fell down the walkway. Yes a bitch is clumsy. So I snapped I went to my trunk looking for my tire jack to break his window's and found a bottle of Everclear. I seen one to many movies I guess cuz I threw that shit at his front door and it broke then I lite one of my head scarfs on fire and dropped it in the Everclear. When I saw the fire I snapped back into reality jumped in my car and drove off in a teary eyed panic. Lucky he is a volunteer fire fighter so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

After that he never called me and I never called him and I thought it would be that way forever. But nah he called me telling me he miss me and he love me and wants me back. As soon as he said it a part of me was like yes say yes. But a smarter part was like can I think about it. I don't know if I want to be with him because I miss being with him or because i'm so freaking lonely. I don't think I have the balls to say no, but i'm afraid to say yes. I don't want to go to jail behind this boy.

Two of my sister's knew I was on the phone with him before I even told them. They said nobody ever makes me smile like he does.

Now the question the only question I should be asking myself is are the ups so high I don't mind falling down or are the down's so low I don't have the strength to get up again?

Another schizophrenic blog brought to you by Phebco killing boredom one minute at a time.